A Gift Comes From Death…..
The Creator work’s in mysteries ways, I’m writing this now because I was inspired by another article that I just read and this story was very similar to my personal journey. So I thought I would share mine also.
If you have been following my blog you already know some of my pass which I’m a recovering addict. And in my own personal recovery, just like all have had some milestone events help trigger towards me breaking this cycle of addiction. I’m about to share a very personal one with you.
Addiction is a disease you just can’t flip it like it’s some kind of light switch no matter what most people have come to believe. I use to drop acid snort P.C.P., cocaine along smoke pot with drinking Jack Daniels, Wild Turkey straight out of the bottle like there was no tomorrow! I even got busted for sales of a hallucinogenic when I was just seventeen years old.
So when I got out of jail I promise God that I would never sell drugs again, I have lived up to that promise, but still was indulging in them! I had a series of events through my life that I choose to quit a certain drug addiction each time they happen. I did not stop or flip the switch all at once!
What I want to share with you is what top off the main event that made it so clear to myself why I should leave this life behind me.
You see my mother has been battling breast cancer for years now, it’s safe to say I ‘m a mama’s boy! She has inspired me in this life in so many ways, look she is doing this now even though she has pass away now for over twenty years!
I have successfully broke the cycle already on the cocaine, P.C.P and don’t drink like a fish anymore but stilled smoke marijuana, I know a lot of people believes no harm it that but heck that’s part of the denial now is it not?
Anyway my mother was losing her battle to breast cancer, this was back in 1992 she was at Hospice, which is an awesome place in my humble opinion. I was bracing my self for her leaving this world, I got into God’s word and really grounded myself with Him. I started to build a closer and stronger relationship with Him. He is there just ask for Him!
It was then one night I was in my apartment by myself thinking about life and mom smoking a joint. I’m sure if you ever smoke it you experience this before, while smoking it I started to cough, and then it turned into an all out gag! I said to myself, “Robert why are you destroying yourself filling your lungs with this smoke”?
So I stop it along with work, it can wait, stop everything and anything this world would do to keep me away from Him and my mother. My family members thought I was crazy and gone off the deep end! I spent all my time with her for that’s the very least I could do for the women that brought me into this world, bath me, wipe my butt and feed me I just can go on and on here…….
So one day she told me not to come in, for she did not want me to go through the same she did with grandma. It hit me like a ton of bricks, but God touched me and lead me back to her the very next day! She had a seizure, something I’ll never forget that night when I spent the night with her.
Earlier that morning I did go back home to refresh up and came back in, you see my mother was then in a coma, the nurse said she knows you footsteps. I had cowboy boots on and she must have gotten use to them.
As she was laying there in her bed, I could hear the other patients in pain suffering in agony. I started to pray, for what can I do Lord? This is my mother that you have blessed me with, then all of a sudden I started to have visions in my mind. These visions were of my mother, and how she was always there not only for her children, but all so for the neighborhood along with the community.
After having this, I said to myself, not out loud, Lord I’m so proud and blessed to have her in my life. And at that very moment she with all of her strength in her hand along with finger signal me down close to her so she could speak and said “I’m so proud you are my son”!
Later on that day I knew she was holding on, you see when love ones are going through this stage of transferring to the other side, they will hang on in extra agony to settle what ever is on their soul. I have already told her that is was going to be alright and she could go home.
There was still more business for her though, later my brother was down in Miami working but did call her, I answer the phone and while she was in bed still in a comatose stage held the phone up to her ear. I heard him talk and what ever he said she responded. I seen it in her eyes was joy and peace, she must have made it with him.
She later early in the next morning passed at three o’clock. Let go and let God, was the only and greatest gift we could have given her! It’s not easy to do but had to been done, this gift of death that I’ve learned in life we can all learn from.
Sometimes in life other relationships are formed. And with others they need to let God and let go, this has happen to myself with my friend Angel Face who is an addict. Time has passed and for God to guide this young lady. I do love her, and wish only the best for her towards her road to recovery so she can live her life in victory instead in bondage!
Maybe God has another plan then separation in our lives? Maybe that’s the only way for her to grow, only time will tell and with Gods help she will. I have to let her go for now at least, too much bad memories surround her with me, not that I did any harm to her or did I as an enabler?
I was always week for her cravings for drugs, I did not want her to sell herself so instead I gave her money. This I’m guilty of and will have to live with this, I try to rationalize it by saying to myself, “Robert at least she don’t have to trick tonight and that’s one or two less truckers she has to be with”.
I can’t help her the battle is solely her’s just like it is all of ares! So my past experience with my mother’s death is a gift and is helping me to deal with this current crisis in my life. Hopefully you have learned something from it, giving someone up at times can be the greatest gift you can ever do for them.