I am a female, 23 years old, and would like to share a bit of my story with you. By kindergarten I was getting myself up and going to school. My parents liked to drink have party’s cheat on their spouse’s they both smoked crack one grew weed list goes on and on,they got a divorce when I was young. Obvious I never had much guidance as a child and had to grow up fast.
By 8 years old I was smoking and smoking weed, Getting suspended from school constantly acting out. By 10 I was drinking, smoking pot,and doing mushrooms supervised most of the time by adults?
By the age of 13 I tried to smoke crack. I felt great every ounce of pain or feeling anything in general just went away nothing mattered anymore other than smoking crack. I lived on the streets robbed people’s homes for food, anything worth value, booze, clothes, blankets, you name it.
One of my parents was selling crack. The first crack I smoked was bought off of one of them and smoked in the same house they were in for the first time talk about parenting? All those years I had to more or less fend for myself I’ve slept on people’s balcony’s in the middle of winter slept outside of old folks homes in crack shacks stole cars and sold them for drugs.
I’m not proud of any of this and it hurts an unspeakable pain. Around 15 i was charged for taking or occupying a vehicle w/o owners consent and a breach of court order. when I had court I went strung out and high on crack. I plead guilty and got community hours a couple of years of probation and a curfew. I didn’t always follow my curfew and continued to smoke crack etc.
Finally I detox myself and moved down south enrolled in school tried to learn how to live life. I didn’t know how to talk to someone who didn’t do drugs I didn’t know what was in style for someone my age I didn’t know what to do with my time all I ever did was steel smoke crack and live in such a low life soulless rut all those years that I forgot who I was, I didn’t know what I’d liked what I’d didn’t like what was going on in the world I didn’t understand why someone would want to go hang out at the beach just for fun or go for a walk through the trails, go hiking,or travel, it didn’t make any sense to me.
When my mind finally started to clear I realized how much I truly didn’t know about life and whats actually out there for someone like me. I have to say that was one of the most painful traumatic things that had such a huge effect on my life all due to my drug use. I slipped up on a few occasions but stayed in school and took care of my responsibility’s I ended up getting an under the table job and quit school for about 4 or 5 months then went back to school.
By 18 I got pregnant my 19th birthday i was so unhappy a day i will never forget. i remember having her and it being close to graduation time. The school I went to allowed me to take her to school with me everyday and if she got to fussy I’d grab my homework and go home and do it. I managed to graduate when she was around 7 months old.
Her father and I split up and he isn’t in the picture but try’s to make it seem like he cares. She has daddy issues to this day. I was in an abusive relationship after that for about a year and a half we started doing coke I lost my daughter a month before her 2nd birthday and it took 8 months to prove I’m good enough to be her mother. I have slipped up since I got her back but never around her and she was at a babysitter for well into the next day of being hung over and what not. I’ve failed as a good mother on countless occasions.
But not only did I failed her, I failed myself. I take full responsibility’s for my actions accept my wrong choices for exactly what they are and want to work my steps HONESTLY with an open mind and heart and hear what it is people are saying to me. Focus on being healthy for myself so i can give my daughter a healthy happy life. She is my Rock. Without her I’m not sure where i would be today.
I’m more than convinced that she was sent here to help me save myself and give us both long fulfilling lives her innocence, beauty, and true kindness from the heart is what gives me strength and hope in my life again. She loves me no matter what happens in our lives we are all we have right now. Sure I struggle with my addictions every day of my life and I accept that fact, it’s out of my hands. I am powerless over my addiction. and i do need help and support at this point and time. and until this very moment I never truly understood what it meant to all of a sudden understand what being powerless over your addiction meant, or the steps.
I have tried to do my steps but I’m scared to face some things in life. and running seems so much easier. everyone has a story some are worse than others. But the point is…we are playing the same game on different levels, living in the same hell, fighting different devils.
We are all human we make mistakes and its hard to reach out like this. there is always so much judgment. If your reading this and thinking about trying drugs it isn’t easy to control and it will haunt you for the rest of your life. think twice if not 3 times before making the choice to do drug’s. you better off to be a loser or a geek these people who choose to party don’t usually end up getting out of it for personal reasons or it’s simply just to late.
All you have is yourself don’t let others influence you I wish I didn’t. Because after masking all that pain and repressing it for so long was not an easy thing to overcome and am actively trying to deal with things and let it all go. life is precious treat it that way. Thanks for listening just this alone has given me some peace of heart i am thankful for being here and alive with my daughter I may only be a week sober and lost my year clean but everything happens for a reason and I’m just thankful it didn’t cost me the rest of my life.